NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My orgasm happened in two different decades
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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