just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
