So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
