I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
