Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize