I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
