Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
