I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
