I should be sponsored by Trojan
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Randomize
