ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
