I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
