just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
