I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Im part way to drunk.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
