Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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