I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
