Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
