Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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