I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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