how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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