Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
