I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
