i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
