I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize