Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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