can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
where are you?
Hypothermia
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
