ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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