maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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