If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize