Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
