id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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