saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
