Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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