Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
