We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sorry about my life...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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