he wants to bone in the snuggie
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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