One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
