I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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