I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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