Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
