I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
