I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
