Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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