I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
