You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
