i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
