Yo dont text me then not text me
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
