It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
