It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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