this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
