are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
