my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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