Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Randomize
