So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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