Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
