My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is Oprah even human
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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