No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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