"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Can I color on your dick again?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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